Behind The Scenes

For some reason I feel like I have to include this in my blog but I don’t want it on the front page, I want it “behind the scenes” like in real life. I’m going to try to keep my blog to light-hearted, fun topics and nothing to do with infertility or TTC. However, I feel that since this is a blog about me that this needs to be out there. Maybe I chose today to do it because tomorrow I turn that magic age of “35″ when everything in a woman’s biological clock changes.

Tomorrow is the day I’ve been dreading for a long time because tomorrow I will officially become “high risk” if I ever do get pregnant. Getting pregnant is something I have given up on, I know it’s not going to happen and am sorta starting to accept that. However, tomorrow is such a milestone in that department. Every stat you look at says “before the age of 35 your chances are ____ but after 35 they decline dramatically to ___” I know that Hollywood women get pregnant well into their 40’s but no one says what they had to go through to get pregnant or how much money they spent (like it matters to them). Besides, I don’t want to be in my 40’s and just starting my family. Right now I’m older than I ever wanted to be to start out. If I had gotten pregnant when we first started trying I would have a 5 year old (almost), that’s more realistic than where I am now.

The past year has been a horrible roller coaster in TTC. We started off by finding out that Steve had a low sperm count. He was able to take some medicine and he’s back to normal now. While all that was going on they did and ultra sound on me and found out that I have a septate uterus. I went in for an MRI to find out just how bad it was and that, according to my doctor was inconclusive and they want to go “in” and check. At that point I chose to go to the fertility clinic and they were not remotely concerned with it. After we found out all was good to go health wise for us we decided to do an IUI. It failed. After a couple of months of recovering mentally we did it again. We increased my meds (I hate the meds) and my body did not respond like it should have. I still only had one follicle that made it and once again, the IUI failed. If we go back for a 3rd time we are looking at alot more money and alot more drugs for me. At this point I’m not sure I’m willing to do it. Obviously there is something wrong with me.

Of course I can’t help but ask the selfish question of Why Me? I’m a good person, I give everything to everyone and never ask for anything in return and this is the price I pay. I don’t like that I ask that but how can I not ask. I just have to accept that God has a different plan than I do and his is the one we are going with. Now I just have the burden of figuring out what my purpose is if my purpose is not to be a mother. It’s a tough spot.

Another issue with being childless at my age is that I have nothing to talk about with most the people I know, they all have kids. I don’t have to run my kids to soccer practice, I’m not up all night with some unexplained kid can’t sleep issue. My weekends are relatively calm. I don’t know, I just can’t talk about the same things, my life isn’t dictated by kids.

One thing I have learned that I want to convey to everyone. Don’t ever ask anyone “why don’t you have kids” or “when are you going to have kids”. It seems like an innocent question but it’s not to someone that is struggling to have kids. Also, don’t ever say “it will happen, just relax, it will happen when you least expect it”. No, don’t say that because it might not and it’s not comforting for people to hear. Besides, it person on the spot to have explain them self to you and that’s not a fun place to be. That’s why we came up with our standard answer “doctor told us what you have to do to have kids and there will be none of that in our house” It shuts them right up.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there “behind the scenes” This is a subject that I don’t have any plans of including in my blog but it’s a very important part of me.